Guilt is not a nice feeling, but for some reason, I feel it constantly. I seem to blame myself for pretty much every single bad thing that happens around me. I'm like the thin, female version of Hurley from Lost.
Guilt feels like a knot in your stomach that eats away at your insides. I feel it all the time, tugging away, reminding me how terrible I can be.
My actions aren't bad, but my inaction can be. I don't put enough effort in to anything.
There are a few incidents from my younger days that I am to blame for.
The first isn't even really an 'incident'.
My mum was 36 when she had me, which is late in a woman's life. She started showing signs of MS after that. She told me that doctors said the symptoms were brought on by childbirth. Of course, she'd had the disease for many years before I was conceived, but it was my fault it showed up and destroyed her so quickly.
I guess I made up for it for a time, being an intelligent, thoughtful kid and all, but I guess me having some intelligence backfired for her a bit, as I eventually turned my back on her religion that she loved so much. When I went to see her after that, she would question my beliefs and ask why I wasn't with 'the truth'.
How could I possibly answer that? She was a fragile woman whose body (and eventually mind) was failing her. My moral code (which, ironically, she taught me) told me I couldn't lie to her, but also that I couldn't 'fight' her either. I had no choice but to offer lame answers that meant nothing. Honestly, I was still just learning myself.
I think if she thought about me in her last days, she wouldn't have felt pride, but that's okay for me, because her religion gave her a warped sense of reality. That, and I hadn't done much to make her proud then. Oh, if only she could see my daughter now! She is my confirmation that my life hasn't been a complete waste. My pride in my girl makes me want to cry with joy :') But I turned my back on religion, and I honestly wasn't a very good daughter anyway.
I hope she was at least proud of my sister, she basically gave up her whole life for mum. I think my brother and I were written off as soon as we gave up 'the truth'. My sister deserves praise for her caring nature. I'm not sure if our mother saw it though. She really wasn't all together upstairs, and didn't show her emotions very often.
Another thing that I feel guilty about relates to my dad. I'm not going to go into details about this one, because the people are still living, and obviously close to me. But dad, if you ever read this -
When I was 15, you asked me to go live somewhere with you. I constantly regret saying no. Hell, you probably don't even remember, but I do. I should have left with you.
My early 'parenthood' is something else I feel guilty about. These days, about once a week my girl tells me that her friends all think I'm cool and that she is lucky I'm her mum. I love that, but it's taken me a very long time to become the person I am now. I messed up a lot in my earlier days of motherhood.
I probably feel much more guilty than I should. I blame myself for things out of my control, even now. My colleagues at work had an argument, and I thought it was my fault. When I don't hear from friends, I assume it's because I've blown them off in the past. I think about issues day and night until they are resolved. I apologise constantly, because I always feel like I've done something wrong. I don't want to upset or hurt anybody. I really do try to be a nice person these days.
At first, I wasn't sure what to call this blog. I couldn't think of any Final Fantasy song titles that mentioned guilt, so I thought about plot. Who suffers the same feelings I want to describe?
Locke from Final Fantasy VI lost Rachel for reasons outwith his control, but tortured himself every day, wondering what he could have done differently. And he's right - if he had acted differently, it might not have turned out so bad. He did nothing malicious or heartless. He just felt he couldn't live up to other's expectations.